my personal framework for making tough decisions

nothing about this idea is revolutionary, but i still think it’s helpful to share.

back in may, one of the guys i mentor reached out to me. he was struggling with a difficult life decision and wanted some advice. as we talked, he explained that he was alternating between two predicted outcomes of his decision that were both fairly extreme. it become clear to me that he didn’t have a clear understanding of all of the possibilities open to him (just the two extremes). 

to borrow a term from my math days, he didn’t understand his solution set or solution space. in my opinion, it was this lack of awareness of the entire realm of possibility that had him paralyzed. so i shared with him a simple trick i use in moments like that.

find a way to frame the choice as a two way street: either i do X or i do not do X. then, for each path, really think through the best and and worst possible scenarios.  make sure all four options are actually possible. you now have the boundaries of your situation. of course, there are other possibilities, but now you know the limits.

what this often surfaces is that the worst case scenarios are rarely as bad as we perceive them. regardless of which path gets taken, the worst possible thing that could happen usually isn’t that bad. that knowledge then takes a ton of the pressure off of the decision and makes it much easier to just pick something. the

so that’s it. frame the choice. map out best and worst cases. make a decision and then move on it. not complicated, but super helpful.

on creativity, getting outside of your normal, and gamma brain waves

recently, my friend andrew plotsky (of farmrun), tipped me off to a new, incredible podcast called obsessed with design. i just finished the episode with von glitschka and von’s thinking about gamma brain waves has added complexity to my thinking about creativity and flow (i have a few posts about this sort of stuff).

during the show, von described how a book, zing, inspired him to get out of his regular work spaces in order to be more creative. a section in the book talked about how important different physical spaces are in opening up mental space to generate new ideas and get over creators block (it’s like writers block).

then von gave a tedx talk about why ideas are so hard to come up with. his pre-talk research lead him to a paper about brain waves and how ideas are formed. turns out that with gamma waves, which are the highest level of brain function AND are impossible to sustain for long periods of time, are where ideas and creative solutions come from (pardon my shorthand, haha).

von further connected these two points and concluded that this is why successful creatives have varied workspaces. spaces your frequent often create inhibitions and restraint so changing it up is important. it’s also important to be able to stay with the gamma waves for long enough (which requires focus) to allow thoughts and ideas to connect in a meaningful way.

these points just continue to deepen my ‘why i don’t do morning meetings’ thinking. having dedicated, uninterrupted blocks of time to do heavy-thinking work is so critical to me. and i know that sometimes having those blocks of time in new spaces really helps.

von’s gamma brain waves research also lines up with my friend cyndi’s research about how certain types of thinking literally consume more energy (i think she said in the form of glucose). and once you use up the glucose you have on hand/in brain you’re out. it makes sense to me that that production of gamma waves would be resource intensive.

interesting stuff…

hugs

so hugs are a big deal for me. most people in my life know me for my hugs. i commit. really. i used to not think it was a big deal. however, the older i get, the more consistent the feedback is. i’ve even heard that people talk to each other about my hugs.

this post is about a little of the story behind my hugs.

first things first, i definitely owe the origins of my hugs to my hometown youth group community. there’s a long list of mentors who supported us growing up (along the likes of roshad, matt h, marty, davy w, bk, stu, fettig, william c) and hugs were pretty key to some of them. especially roshad. there was nothing like being held by roshad. there was so much love in those hugs.

one of them once told me that men hugging is really important. they hugged us because (1) they knew that some of us had never actually been hugged well by our fathers and (2) sometimes a good hug can keep someone alive (there was a significant amount of suicide in my hometown).

as i got older and starting mentoring other younger guys, i too, started to see the importance of good hugs. it’s ironic that in america’s hyper-sexualized culture, non-sexual, non-romantic touching is essentially taboo. which is unfortunate because good hugs make everyone feel good. interesting, hugging can actually make relationships better (see hugging meditation).

ok, last thing: we used to have a joke about how you could tell how close two people were by the distance between their pelvises when they hugged. sometimes we joked and would hug forever to see who pulled away first. but in the end, many of us made a habit out of committing to really holding each other. it really makes a difference.

so when i hug i commit to really holding and being held AND i commit to as little pelvic distance as my huggee is willing to allow. for a while, i thought i was weird for really hugging people, but now i’m starting to see that maybe it’s a gift.

hm.

on being an external thinker/processor

so it turns out that i’m an external thinker. that essentially means that most of my information processing happens when i speak. this doesn’t mean that don’t think (because i think a lot). what it means is the process of me trying to convey a thought to someone else actually shapes the resulting thought. 

for example, say i’m managing a project with a bunch of different deliverables. i might have all of the parts clearly separated in my mind, but upon explaining the work to a friend, i might categorize the parts in a way that helps them understand. the next time i go back to work on the project, i have a new way of organizing the different deliverables.

being an external processor, like everything, has its pros and cons.

one strong pro is that being an external thinker means that i actually do better work in teams. my ideas are actually stronger when i have someone to work with and explain myself to. of course, having different minds working together almost always makes things better, but on a personal level, it means that just the presence of someone else can help make my own ideas better. this effect happens even if they contributed nothing other than their presence. (sidenote: this has some cool implications for partnerships with people and assessing the value someone provides just by being there, but that’s a different topic…)

this means that collaboration is a natural way of working for me. and given the direction of work i want to do in the world, this is a huge asset.

another pro is that because i know external processing makes my ideas stronger, i have a strong affinity for people. in a sense, i understand that i actually need people. this lines up well with my thinking about how the world functions best and how we’ll only be solve our biggest problems by working together… as a planet.

a con that i’ve recognized several times is that being an external processor can sometimes mean that i don’t know what i think about something until i hear myself say it out loud. sometimes i surprise myself with things i say. usually, this is positive, but sometimes it gets me in trouble.

ok, enough rambling. maybe i’ll elaborate on this later. maybe not.

why i go on walks

when a new connection or old friend wants to meet up, getting coffee or grabbing a drink is a common request. i know that speaks a lot to my socioeconomic class, but it is what it is.

about a year ago, however, i started counter-offering with walks instead. in 2015, i had two friends with whom i would go on walks regularly… and it was awesome. one friend and i work in the same neighborhood so we would walk home from work. the other i would meet up with (sometimes with dinner on the front-end) and we’d walk and talk for 2-3 hours. also awesome.

i have a couple of inspirations for these walking sessions.

1. judy layzer. my late academic advisor was known for having walking meetings with her friends and close students. at her memorial service, it was a real bonding experience to share stories of walking with her.
2. they’re cheap. walking is free. i can bring homemade snacks if i want. coffee and alcohol are expensive. i believe in supporting local watering holes, but sometimes i just don’t have the money.
3. i don’t drink coffee past the morning hours because it screws up my sleep. often people want to “get coffee” after work… which doesn’t really work for me. walking can happen any time of day (mostly).
4. they’re transportation. when i need to get from one part of town to another, walking is a great way to do it. especially when i can find someone who is going the same direction, a walk can be there perfect amount of time to catch up while also being pragmatic.
   
5. they help me know my city. there are few ways to get to know your neighborhood and city better than by walking through them.

plus, boston is the original walking city, right?