book review: love in a f*cked up world by dean spade
08 Aug 2026
Love in a F*cked-Up World: How to Build Relationships, Hook Up, and Raise Hell Together
What are the main ideas?
- the romance myth has within it many cultural scripts that limit our relationships and can be seriously destructive, to each other and to our collective work for liberation
- by understanding and practicing ways of being counter to the romance myth (and other dominant narratives/scripts it contains), we can improve our relationships. that can positively impact how we work together and can make our work more powerful.
- rather than seeing our relationships as cites of consistency (i am now how i will be forever, you are now how you should be forever, and if either of us changes, that’s a betrayal), we could see our relationships as places of secure attachment which can support change and growth.
If I implemented one idea from this book right now, which one would it be?
identify the romance myth in romantic and non-romantic contexts and practice disrupting it (by naming things, by naming alternative actions, by practicing those actions).
a second thing i want to implement is more identifying and naming jealousy and practicing tending to the scared part of me.
How would I describe the book to a friend?
it took me a second to get used to dean’s direct, low-fluff writing style but once i did, phew! dean weaves together little vignettes/stories and philosophy in a simple, clear, and masterful way. the brief stories help frame what the theory he’s about to get into is about. and each section of theory has practices you can try on immediately (if you dare/have the courage!). the book is full of insightful questions and also little mini-essays (in gray boxes) that are like sweet little seeds that can be pulled out and used on their own or shared with others. i think this book and my notes from it will get a lot of air time over the next few months or year.
reminder: book review structure
words / writing / post-processing
304w / 11min / 3min