pre-grievers and post-grievers
06 Nov 2026yesterday i was having a conversation with my buddy bernice and we stumbled onto a topic that i have thought about off and on for years (including with nadav and mikaela) so i came here to do a lil writeup about it.
i feel like there are two types of people in this world. pre-grievers and post-grievers.
pre-grievers feel their feelings about the loss of something before it’s gone. these are the folks who:
- emotionally process the breakup before it happens
- have big feelings about their parent while they’re in the final stages death
- see the big thing coming and have feelings about it in advance
post-grievers are folks who feel their feelings about the loss right as the loss is happening or even afterwards. these folks:
- feel confused at the depression that set in a breakup
- burst into tears the moment they hand over their old apartment keys on move out day
- are surprised that they have no energy to work after their parent dies
as i write those, i realize that i’m definitely framing them in judgmental ways that show my identity and preference. but i have come to understand that there are pros and cons to both ways of being.
pre-grievers sometimes prolong the mourning period before a loss. for example: when a parent dies much more slowly than was anticipated. or sometimes they get stuck in the depth of intensity of the grief so much that they miss out on being present with the object of love before it’s even gone!
post-grievers can be better at staying present with the object of love until it’s actually gone. and since they stay with the love until the thing is actually lost, the grief they feel is always right-sized, rather than too long or too deep.
ok, that’s all i want to say for now.
ps - i am abundantly aware that this dichotomy of folks is wrong or there’s some deeper way to frame these two types of people. i also imagine that there are more than just these two types.
words / writing / post-processing
356w / 12min / 3min