what can we ask right now instead of how are you?

i’ve thought a lot about (and even done some writing about) alternatives to the ‘what do you do’ question. some of that is because it’s just annoying and boring to repeatedly answer the same question at social gatherings. some of it is because i think it’s in the small, but ubiquitous things that culture shifts. i have a theory that if everyone started asking 'what are you dreaming about these days?’ instead of 'what do you do?’ we’d see a culture shift over time away from our identities defined by our work.

in the past week, i’ve definitely noticed and experienced resistance to the standard question: “how are you?” although, as a general practice, i try to be honest when i answer this question, lately i’ve been feeling real tired of answering it. i’ve also heard people take the question back after they’ve answered it and i’ve heard people say “i don’t really want to talk about how i’m doing.”

i do actually think it’s really important to know how each other is doing, but i also think that this is a moment for culture shifting (even if just at a small scale/geography) intervention. what can we ask each other that moves us in the direction we want to be headed? some ones i’m going to test out today:

• what are you listening to that’s keeping you going right now?
• what (if anything) makes you hopeful in this moment?
• what are you doing to resist and/or fight?

definitely curious about other people’s thoughts on this!

building healthy networks

this is sort of a jumble, but i’m running with it anyways. 

a quote from resilience:

[“In a healthy network, you have to connect on your similarities and compete on your differences… INSERT REST OF QUOTE WHEN I HAVE TIME]

the two things that stand out to me right now about what’s needed are (1) what skills a network weaver needs to have and (2) what a healthy network looks like.

to the first point, network weavers must be “connectors, mediators, teachers, behavioral economists, and social engineers.” as i think about the role i’m meant to play in the upcoming resistance, these are all things i have done. the network can’t solely be made up actors who can wear all those hats, but the people who can have a unique position to hold. and if i’m being honest with myself, i think that’s what i’ll be doing.

to the second point, a healthy network has both cooperation and competition. adhocracy (worth a look up) seems like the ideal state of a resilient healthy network. essentially, it looks like many subunits acting independently in general, but that are able to align and act in concert when necessary and beneficial. part of that means that there needs to be enough information flowing between the different groups to know when to align and when to stay separate.

i can imagine that being important from data standpoint, but also communication and action. amassing too much energy (data, action, whatever) in any one place in the network makes that point in the network an easy target. this resistance will not look like the civil rights movement with a few figure heads; it will much more decentralized.

people who understand how to build networks and systems like that need to be doing it starting now.

and i guess that means me.

😬

resource

• adhocracy for an agile age

no, prayer is not the answer

i am pretty disturbed by the number of times since trump was elected that i’ve heard variations on prayer being the solution. it has sounded like:

• “all we can do now is pray that it doesn’t get terrible.”
• “pray for him and his people.”
• “i’m praying that you stay safe and you do the same for me.”

if i’m honest, it’s crazy talk like this that made me run from church. although i realize that there are conflicting bible verses about whether prayer on its own is effective or whether it must be combined with action, it just doesn’t make sense to me that sitting or kneeling and thinking is itself going to have any serious impact on anything. i don’t want my friends to pray for my safety, i want them to actually do things that help keep me safe. and vice versa: i’m not just going to sit in my bed and think about my family and friends being safe. i’m going to take action that ensures they stay safe. and if those actions seem impossible, i’m going to encourage them like hell to get out.

last week, i found myself saying to ross, “i’m really hoping this doesn’t go as badly as it could…” he responded, “will be up to the righteous to ensure that.”

faith without deeds is dead. and so we go forward, with hope and action, both.

ps - i don’t often still refer to the bible, but i do remember that james 2: 14-26 used to really resonate with me. for the most part, that passage still does.

¹⁴ What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? ¹⁵ If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, ¹⁶ and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good^[a] is that? ¹⁷ So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

¹⁸ But someone will say, “You have faith and I have works.” Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. ¹⁹ You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe—and shudder! ²⁰ Do you want to be shown, you foolish person, that faith apart from works is useless?²¹ Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he offered up his son Isaac on the altar? ²² You see that faith was active along with his works, and faith was completed by his works; ²³ and the Scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”—and he was called a friend of God. ²⁴ You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone.²⁵ And in the same way was not also Rahab the prostitute justified by works when she received the messengers and sent them out by another way? ²⁶ For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead.

mourning

i am still in mourning.

it’s slowed down a lot, but when i think about the work i was going to do over the next 3-5 years i still cry. i am in mourning for the future that i might have had. i believe and know that there is still plenty of good work to do; it’s just different work than what i thought i’d be doing.

the best analogy i can think of is trying to mow the lawn when a hurricane hits. before the hurricane, i had a plan that i was moving forward with. now that i know a hurricane is coming, it doesn’t make much sense to keep mowing the lawn. i need to shift my energy towards preparing for the hurricane: shutters need to go up, supplies need to be gathered, the backup generator needs to be tested, etc. like all hurricanes, it’s possible that it’ll be fucking nuts and destroy many things and it’s also possible that it won’t be that bad. but either way, pretending like a hurricane isn’t coming doesn’t make sense to me. and mowing the grass now feels of very little importance.

trump has basically stated that he wants to roll back the entire obama presidency. so now instead of advocating and fighting for people to have more rights, the work will be to help people keep the rights they already (barely) have. instead of thinking forward about renewable energy and health care and transportation, we’ll be fighting to keep things from rolling backwards.

i could go on, but the point is this: i am in mourning for the work and the vision of the country and world that we were on the way to.

last night, my friend dara mentioned the practice of shiva, which is the jewish practice of gathering in one place following the death and burial of someone for seven days of mourning and receiving guests.

i think i’m sitting shiva.

growth is betrayal: a play in five acts.

act i: john updike – rabbit redux.

“Growth is betrayal. There is no other route. There is no arriving somewhere without leaving somewhere.”

act ii: marie kondo – the life-changing magic of tidying up.​

“Every object has a different role to play. Not all clothes have come to you to be worn threadbare. It is the same with people. Not every person you meet in life will become a close friend or lover. Some you will find hard to get along with or impossible to like. But these people, too, teach you the precious lesson of who you do like, so that you will appreciate those special people even more.

When you come across something that you cannot part with, think carefully about its true purpose in your life. You’ll be surprised at how many of the things you possess have already fulfilled their role. By acknowledging their contribution and letting them go with gratitude, you will be able to truly put the things you own, and your life, in order. In the end, all that will remain are the things that you really treasure.

To truly cherish the things that are important to you, you must first discard those that have outlived their purpose… this is neither wasteful nor shameful.”

act iii: bell hooks – all about love.

“While forgiveness is essential to spiritual growth, it does not make everything immediately wonderful or fine. Often, New Age writing on the subject of love makes it seem as though everything will always be wonderful if we are just loving. Realistically, being part of a loving community does not mean we will not face conflicts, betrayals, negative outcomes from positive actions, or bad things happening to good people. Love allows us to confront these negative realities in a manner that is life-affirming and life-enhancing.”

act iv: reinhold niebuhr.

“Love is the motive, but justice is the instrument.”

act v: bell hooks – all about love.

“Usually we imagine that true love will be intensely pleasurable and romantic, full of love and light. In truth, true love is all about work. The poet Rainer Maria Rilke wisely observed: ‘Like so much else, people have also misunderstood the place of love in life, they have made it into play and pleasure because they thought that play and pleasure was more blissful than work; but there is nothing happier than work, and love, just because it is the extreme happiness, can be nothing else but work…’ The essence of true love is mutual recognition—two individuals seeing each other as they really are.”