on dysfunctional rescuing
05 Mar 2026dysfunctional rescuing is a term i think i’ve heard here and there over the years but i’ve mostly learned about it in relationship with my friend and co-facilitator, yoojin lee. as i write this, i realize we’ve never talked about a definition explicitly but the way she uses the term has influenced me to this operational definition:
dysfunctional rescuing: behavior in which person 1 attempts to help resolve a problem or issue of person 2 but the help is actually about resolving the feeling state of person 1.
as i do a tiny bit of googling, it seems like there is a psychology term that’s just “rescuing.”
here’s a little blip from a pop psych website:
What is rescuing?
Rescuing is an unhealthy version of helping. It resembles enabling and tries to change or fix other people.
Rescuing includes:
- Doing things for others that they are capable of doing themselves
- Making it easier for others to continue their unhealthy behaviors
- Helping others avoid the consequences of their actions
- Doing more than your share of the work
- Taking responsibility for other people, trying to solve their problems
- Helping out of obligation rather than because you want to (people-pleasing)
Certainly, not all helping is bad or unhealthy. To distinguish rescuing from true helping, its useful to question your motivation for helping and expectations regarding the outcome. True help is given with an open heart, with no strings attached, and no expectations. Its done because we want to help not because we feel like we have to or because well feel guilty if we dont. True help isnt enabling or an effort to help people avoid consequences.
seeing that stuff i guess i see that maybe the word dysfunctional is redundant and i appreciate what it brings via connotation. i think it gives it extra distance from the term “helping” which i think is generally perceived as universally good. but the term “rescuing” sometimes also has some positive connotation. for ex: firefighters as rescuers i think are generally perceived as a good type of rescuer.
a few places i see rescuing happen that i think i might start to do more intervention in:
- parenting/uncling (keeping kids from doing things because of not wanting them to experience consequences that will be painful – differs from preventing kids from doing things that will be detrimental or life endangering)
- friendship (making offers that enable behavior rather than support growth)
- work (pushing hard for work collaborators to do things in certain ways)
ok that’s it for now. off to other work!
ps - i wrote this up after a little convo w/ my friend nadav yesterday. hope it’s helpful, friend :)
pps - wow. first blog post in months. turns out working on book will really take it outta ya.
words / writing / post-processing
474w / 12min / 8min